Choosing Life for the Baby Fish

If you do not know me, I am the birth mother of three children. I love them all uniquely, but very deeply--it's hard to qualify in words. Words just seem lame and inadequate descriptors of the deep and spiritual level of love we each experience in our relationships with our children.

My oldest daughter I conceived at the age of 19. I was in college, working, and partying. Having a baby wasn't in my plans at that time at all. Pregnancy was not easy for me. I was sicker than you can imagine. I lost 15 pounds in the first two trimesters. But never once did I ever consider aborting the pregnancy and ending my daughter's life while in utero. Don't get me wrong--the pregnancy was really hard, school was harder, life was harder, because I was a mom so young and with so much I wanted to do. But I chose life for her. But I'm so glad I did because now I have a smart, beautiful, kind, compassionate, generous, and amazing thirteen year old who I know is going to go out into the world and make a positive impact on the lives of others.

My youngest birth daughters are a pair of twins. My first pregnancy was a piece of cake in comparrison. I was grizzly ill for the twins. I received intensive medical treatment as they attempted to stabilize my system in the first two tri-mesters. I lost count after 211 different injections and IVs to administer medications. My arms were bruised and wounded. I lost 23 pounds, turned grey and became deeply depressed as I spent day after day after day in bed. Unable to walk to the bathroom unassisted. Unable to bathe unassisted. I wanted to die and considered ending it. But Ivy would come home from preschool and bop into the room to sit with me or visit for a few minutes. My mother took care of me for months.

At one point the doctor was not sure that I was going to survive the pregnancy and he mentioned reducing the pregnancy. Which is a "nice" way of saying, aborting the smaller fetus. Her name is Sydney, by the way. If we chose reduction, my health would greatly improve, though there was risk to the larger fetus. I was horrified and at that point decided if I died, we would all die together. God wasn't in the equation for me at that point as I was very much agnostic and had no real idea what death meant.

When Sydney was born at 33 weeks she weighed 3.6 ounces. If you have ever been in a neonatal intensive care unit, that's a horse in comparrison to some of the under 2 pounders they have in there. She could breathe on her own, but spent 3 weeks in the special care nursery. She would snuggle up on my chest in a tiny little ball.

That is her in the pic. Now, she is a fireball of passion packed into a petite little body. She loves deeply and loyally with a keenly sensitive little heart. She loves to play soccer and is a powerhouse on the field. She wants to play for the Florida Gators some day. She is one of the fastest runners on the field and loves to score goals. She loves to snuggle up next to me and love on me when she is sleepy. We love eachother in a deep and protective way. Our bond is special--perhaps because at some deeper level, we knew our survival was at one time, fully dependent on each's commitment to the other.

I urge anyone out there who is pregnant and scared. Who is considering abortion as a solution... do not gloss over the fact that what you carry in you is not just a fetus, but a baby with a future and the potential for greatness. Clinicians will intellectualize what you face. Do not believe that this is a matter of your head--it is your heart that is at stake. What grows within you is a child who will share with you a special bond of love. If you feel you cannot love the child, for whatever reason--then I do encourage you to exercise your right to choose adoption for your baby--because while you may not be ready for that close relationship with your child, there is a family out there desperate to love him or her. Choosing adoption is what will be the best for you in the long run; and for your baby.

For women out there who have made the choice to have an abortion, there is no condemnation for you. There is grace for that choice. Consult a Christian counselor and they can help you find the freedom that surpasses all the choices we make. Lastly, I would encourage you, to not hide in heartbreak, or guilt, or shame. If you once made the intellectual decision, only to find that it broke your heart you can help other women by sharing your experience. They are walking across the mine field, and you can show them where the mines are.